Assassination Wedding
by Gongsun Du
Summary: Shikamaru and Temari are forced to fake a marriage in order to get rid of the assassins that plan to kill them. As the two try to cope with their new mission they have to hide their feelings from each other. Read and Review this Hilarious story. ShikaXTem
1. Chapter 1

**Assassination Wedding**

"Shikamaru, Temari, you're getting married!" said Tsunade, while trying to hold in her laughter.

"What?" screamed the duo in obvious surprise. After a great pause, Shikamaru decided to break the silence.

"You must be joking Hokage-sama!" he said.

"No Shikamaru I'm...hahahahmph…quite serious." said Tsunade as her smile grew larger.

"But I thought this was supposed to be an S ranked mission!"

"It is Shikamaru, but let me explain first. You two have obviously noted that you have performed many important missions over the past years."

"Well yes but–" Tsunade cut off Shikamaru before he could finish.

"As such you have made enemies in almost every single country. The various feudal lords, for some reason, have become so angry that they wish to send assassins to kill you."

She eyed the pair with a smirk before continuing.

"Obviously your skill would be a match for them but I fear that they may get lucky. So what I've decided to do is to pretend you two are getting married. The assassins will doubtlessly take this huge chance to kill you both. During the ceremony you two will eliminate the assassins."

"But Tsuande-sama wouldn't the Anbu be better equipped for this?" asked Temari.

"Unfortunately the feudal lords have many spies so I think it would be best if you two act alone. I will personally notify the Council and Gaara-sama of this marriage. However neither your friends nor your family must know the truth. If they do it may jeopardize the mission."

"Only one more question Tsunade-sama. When will the "wedding" be held?" asked Shikamaru.

"In a week." said Tsunade, smiling. "That's all you're dismissed."

Shikamaru and Temari both left the office and walked outside. On his way down the staircase, Shikamaru contemplated the news.

'Temari and me are getting married! No baka it's just a mission!' But still, perhaps to Shikamaru it was more than that.

"Oi Temari what do you think of our new assignment?"

"I would have to say it's very troublesome." No sooner had the words escaped her lips than she wondered why she'd said them.

"I couldn't agree with you more Temari. Just picture us together, a married couple!"

"Hahaha, yeah that would never happen!"

'But maybe it could.' thought Temari. She didn't want to admit it but she had grown to like Shikamaru during all the time they had spent together. It had been growing increasingly difficult to be around him. And now, she could hardly keep herself from blushing.

"Temari are you okay?" asked Shikamaru, putting his hand on Temari's cheek.

"…Your face is all red." He finished, with a concerned look in his eyes.

"Oh I'm f-fine Shikamaru." said Temari, 'Not really.'

'Hmm, what an unexpected development. This is going to be interesting…' Shikamaru thought, as they walked further down the street.


	2. Chapter 2

'I wonder...' thought Shikamaru, as he occasionally glanced at Temari, 'Could she have been hiding it so well?'

"Shikamaru!"

'Nah I'm just being optimistic. That troublesome woman could never "like" or "love" anybody. Much less me. But still…'

"Shikamaru!" Shikamaru was brought back to reality as he heard a familiar voice call his name. It was none other than Naruto and…Sasuke?

"Shikamaru, Temari, look who finally came back!" said Naruto, as he eagerly pointed at Sasuke.

"Shut it loser." No sooner had Sasuke uttered those words than a nearby billboard fell on him.

"Hahahaha! Finally Sasuke got what he deserved! Hahahahaha! Believe it!" Naruto was suddenly eclipsed as an even larger billboard fell on him.

Shikamaru and Temari stared dumbfounded. To their amazement Naruto and Sasuke soon crawled out from under the billboards.

"Ow! Sasuke, look what your ugly face did!" said Naruto rubbing his head.

"Go screw yourself loser!" Suddenly the roof of a house behind Sasuke slid off, and crushed him.

"Gomen." said a man as he appeared on the roof, "I hope I didn't hurt anybody."

"Don't worry, Sasuke had it coming. Believe it…uh oh." Naruto was promptly hit by a flying hammer.

"Gomen. I hope I didn't hurt anyone." said the same man, "Today must not be my lucky day."

"Or mine!" screamed Naruto and Sasuke in unison.

Naruto rubbed the huge bump on his head, glanced at Sasuke, and decided to leave him under the roof.

"See yah later Shikamaru. I'm worried that something else might happen if I stick around. Believe i…ah forget it!" said Naruto as he walked away.

"Of course! You're just going to leave and not help me! Loser!" Sasuke instantly regretted those words, for immediately the rest of the building collapsed on him. Once again the man appeared.

"Gomen. I hope I didn't-"

"Just go!" shouted Shikamaru and Temari.

"It's one of those days!" said Shikamaru in obvious annoyance, "Common Temari".

"Hey guys wait!" yelled Sasuke from under the rubble, "Come back! Someone? Please?"

"Shouldn't we have helped him?" asked Temari as the two walked on.

"Don't worry about it. He killed Orochimaru and Itachi. Believe me he can handle it."

Shikamaru put his hands behind his head and closed his eyes. He had memorized the road so he didn't even need to pay attention to his surroundings. Soon he would be home, and then he could laze around and relax all day and-

"Oy Shikamaru! How much longer till we get to your place?" asked Temari.

At this Shikamaru opened his eyes.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because I'm staying with you genius." said Temari.

"Wait a minute! I never agreed to this!"

"Come on Shikamaru! Be a gentleman for once in your life! I got nowhere else to stay."

"Troublesome bitch! Be a gentleman she says! I've got nowhere else to stay she says! What a load of Bull!" muttered Shikamaru as they neared his apartment. He opened the door and ushered Temari inside.

"Wow Shikamaru for such a lazy good for nothing your apartment looks clean"

"Hahaha." said Shikamaru, with obvious sarcasm, "You know what Temari, be grateful that I'm not making you sleep outside!"

"Like you could make me"

"Stupid ugly man-lady!" yelled Shikamaru.

"Lazy ass good for nothing." replied Temari. The two continued to glower at each other menacingly until Shikamaru's stomach growled.

"You know as much as I'd love to stay like this, I think I'll go eat something." and with that said, Shikamaru turned to the kitchen.

'Oh boy! Time to eat burnt food again…' Shikamaru thought bitterly, regretting that he didn't know how to cook. Opening the refrigerator, he decided to try his luck with steak.

"Shikamaru."

"What is it troublesome woman I'd love to see die?"

"Jeez bastard! I was only going to offer to cook for you. But I see my services aren't welcome."

"Yeah, like I need your help."

The moment Shikamaru put the steak on a frying pan it burst into flames.

"Oh crap! Why me? Why me?" yelled Shikamaru, as he desperately tried to extinguish the flames.

"Stand aside lazy ass" said Temari, before quickly blowing the flames away with her fan.

"I think I'd better cook before you burn the whole building to the ground, lazy."

"Alright fine! If you insist." But secretly Shikamaru was glad to have her cook. For once, Temari didn't seem so troublesome.

Shikamaru decided he'd better change, after all his cloths hadn't been washed in weeks! As soon as he was done he decided to return to the kitchen, expecting to see that Temari had failed in cooking the meal. He was surprised, however, when a delicious aroma hit him. On the table stood a meal fit for a five star restaurant!

"Wow." was the only word Shikamaru could say.

"I take it your impressed" said Temari, smiling.

"Amazing, Temari! This is the best meal I've seen in my entire li…I mean it's okay if you like mediocre cooking." Shikamaru was promptly rewarded by a smack to the head.

"You really are a bastard Shikamaru! After I cook for you you don't even thank me!"

At the risk of being hit again, Shikamaru quickly apologized.

"Well no sense in letting the food get cold, dig in!" said Temari.

'I thought you'd never ask!' thought Shikamaru as he piled the food onto his plate. For once in his life, Shikamaru ate a lot! Chouji would have been proud.

"Slow down Shikamaru, you eat like a maniac!"

"Can't stop eating! Food so good!" said Shikamaru, in between gulps. When Shikamaru finished one dish he sprang to the next. Soon there was nothing left.

"Wow Shikamaru," said Temari, rather stunned, "Don't you eat during the day."

"Is there more?" asked Shikamaru, who despite all the food he'd consumed was eager for seconds.

"Sure there's more in the pot–" She was interrupted as Shikamaru ran for the kitchen and started eating with his bare hands.

"I love you Temari." said Shikamaru, as he swallowed the rest of the food, "So good!"

At this Temari blushed. 'Did he just say he loved me? Nah, he was probably thinking about the food.'

Finally Shikamaru collapsed with exhaustion.

"Ohhh! I shouldn't have eaten those last three steaks!"

"But Shikamaru, there were only two steaks."

"Ah whatever." said Shikamaru, as he tried to stand up. He failed miserably, and fell on top of Temari.

"Ow! Shikamaru get off!" But he was already asleep. And to make matters worse he was hugging her.

"Shikamaru you miserable oaf, get off! Oh why do I always get into these messes?"

Shikamaru suddenly stirred in his sleep and began to mumble.

"Temari is so soft! Can't get enough of it!"

At this Temari started. What was Shikamaru doing? She gazed in horror as he snaked his arms around her waist and leaned in on her. And then to her amazement he pressed his lips on hers. She was involuntarily pulled into a very passionate kiss that seemed to get deeper with every moment. At first Temari tried to resist but then she realized she wanted it. She cupped his face lovingly and began to return the kiss when, suddenly, the kiss stopped as abruptly as it had begun. Temari looked up to find Shikamaru snoring peacefully in his sleep.

'Oh why couldn't he be awake!' thought Temari. 'How can he know that I love him? That I have loved him ever since we first met.'

Temari gazed sadly on Shikamaru's sleeping form and wondered if he felt anything for her. But she couldn't decipher any answers from his sleeping face.

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**How was that? REVIEW.**


	3. Chapter 3

The morning was as normal as could be. The birds were chirping, the bees were humming, and Temari looked like crap!

"Good morning Temari, you look like you had a great night." said Shikamaru with obvious sarcasm, "What happened to you? Get raped?"

'You should know!' thought Temari but instead she said "Go screw yourself Shikamaru, my bed was lumpy!"

"Troublesome woman." muttered Shikamaru, "I give her the best bed in the house and she says it's lumpy!"

He stretched and said with a strangely genuine smile,

"Anyway I wanted to thank you for that d-e-licous dinner! It sure feels nice to have edible food."

"Your welcome" said Temari, surprised by the compliment.

"So Temari since we have five days left before we have to kill a million people, maybe we should do something fun?"

"Fun? What's your definition of fun?" asked Temari, 'I hope it's not something perverted'

"Don't worry it's nothing perverted!" said Shikamaru, 'But it could be if you wanted it.'

"So where exactly are we going?"

"To Nara Park!"

**Nara Park **

"How is this fun Shikamaru?" asked Temari, while standing up to her elbows in deer.

"What? You got a problem with nature?"

"No, but when nature pokes my butt with its nose then it's a problem!"

"Oh don't be such a self-centered bitch! Come on help me feed the deer!"

"Who you calling self-centered lazy-ass?"

"Bitch"

"Ass"

"Bitch"

"Ass"

"Bitch!"

"Ass!"

"Jeez Temari why are you so focused on my rear?"

"What? Unlike you I'm not a pervert, or a rapist!"

"Lay off the insults woman! Ever since last night you've been acting like a waco. What is it that time of month already?"

Shikamaru suddenly found himself flying through the air. He collapsed on the ground meters away with deer sniffing at his battered body.

"The only reason I'm acting like this is because you're a jerk incapable of feelings"

"You my dear, are retarded." said Shikamaru. Temari promptly stomped him into the ground.

"Let me finish!" she screamed.

"What's the matter? Is your feeble brain incapable of coming up with a decent comeback?"

Shikamaru was rewarded with several punches in the face followed by an ensemble of kicks and jabs.

"Is that all you got? Lay off the chocolate, your ass is getting fat!"

Shikamaru was once again beaten to a pulp and hurled against a tree.

"You have anything else to say?" asked Temari.

"Just one last thing, your breasts are sagging!"

Shikamaru once again found himself hurtling through the air. He hit the ground so hard as to form a crater.

"Had enough yet Shikamaru?"

"Actually…" Shikamaru coughed up blood, "No, I'm good."

Shikamaru then proceeded to cough up more blood, before collapsing on his back. Temari realized she had gone a bit too far.

"Shikamaru? Are you okay?"

"Oh I'm fine! Just fine! Did you happen to miss the giant pool of blood on the ground or are you making fun of me?"

"Come on lets get you home" said Temari as she helped him up. After several more coughs Shikamaru finally spoke.

"Now can you tell me what that was all about?"

"Well last night you sort of…kind of…almost…"

"Get to the point!"

"You knocked me to the ground as you lost consciousness! Then you proceeded to grope and kiss me again my will!" said Temari, gasping for air.

Shikamaru looked at her wide eyed. He then proceeded to walk to the closest tree and began to beat his head against it.

"Shikamaru?" at the sound of his name the lazy genius turned around. His face was grim and sorrowful.

"I'm so sorry Temari. I thought I was dreaming, I had no idea it was reality. I guess it's because I've been hiding my feelings…for you. And I…" Shikamaru was cut off by Temari's lips on his. This was the moment she had always dreamed of. That fantasy had finally become continued to kiss for what seemed like ages. Finally Temari stopped.

"I wasn't true to my feelings either Shikamaru. I actually enjoyed the kiss, but I wanted you to know how I felt."

"Thank you Temari. But I really think we should go to the hospital. I think I'm bleeding internally." Temari smacked him on the head.

"You bastard! Always ruining a romantic moment." said Temari, "Alright lets go"

'Maybe this wedding idea wasn't so bad after all.' thought Shikamaru, 'We'll just have to wait and see.'

"Come on Shikamaru you take forever!"

"And you say I ruined the moment!" claimed Shikamaru, "In case you haven't noticed I can barely move"

Before Shikamaru could speak Temari had picked him up bridal style.

"You're such a crybaby!"

"Uh Temari, I really don't feel comfortable like this."

But Temari ignored him and continued to carry him all the way to his apartment. As soon as they were through the door she dropped him.

"Oww! Woman, what the hell was that for!"

"You were drooling on me!"

"That's because your brea…I mean you arms are so soft!"

"Honestly Shikamaru can you at least try to control yourself?"

"Not when I'm around you." said Shikamaru as he smiled at her.

At this statement Temari blushed. She couldn't believe how much he was getting to her.

"I see my arrow hasn't missed its mark." With that said, Shikamaru stood up and walked closer to her.

"You know for such a troublesome woman, you always seem nicer when you're around me."

"That's not true…" she said, 'Or is it?'

"Well I know one thing."

"What's that?"

"You're the only one to ever make me do this…" Shikamaru finished his phrase by pulling Temari into another passionate kiss. Temari once again swooned away in his arms. She was about to move on to more "advanced" romance when he suddenly stopped.

"Shikamaru? Why'd you stop?" But her question was answered by a loud snore.

"Damn it! Why do you always fall asleep!" and with that said Temari dropped him unceremoniously on the floor and stormed off. Yelling,

"Asshole!"

'Looks like my little plan succeeded.' thought Shikamaru 'I had to stop her before we went too far. I wonder how this will all turn out. I guess I'll just wait and see.'


	4. Chapter 4

Once again it was a lovely morning and the sun was bright in the…

"Oh shut up already! Damn you're annoying woman!"

"Go kill yourself lazy ass!"

…Never mind.

"Jeez Temari! All I said was I'm hungry let's eat!"

"And I told you a hundred times: the food's not ready yet!"

'Yeah right!' thought Shikamaru 'She's just starving me after what happened yesterday. Women are such a pain!'

"Common Temari I'm dying here!" whined Shikamaru.

"Stop whining lazy ass!"

'If begging won't help perhaps I should try another form of persuasion.' He thought with a sly grin.

Suddenly Shikamaru walked up to Temari. He spun her around and held her in his arms.

"You know Temari, breakfast is my favorite time of the day."

"W-why is that?"

"Because of all the delicious food..."

Shikamaru brought his face closer to hers. His lips inched closer as he cupped her face with his hands.

"Temari."

"Yes Shikamaru?"

"Can I…?"

"Can you what Shikamaru?" asked Temari anxiously.

"Can I eat breakfast already?"

Temari immediately shoved him away.

"Damn you Shikamaru!" she yelled.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Stop being such a flirt!"

"I am not a flirt! I'm a hungry man!"

"Honestly Shikamaru, you're so impatient!"

'Normally that would not be the case.' thought Shikamaru. 'But this woman's food is so good, I actually got up early this morning just to watch her cook!'

"Okay Shikamaru breakfast's done!"

'Oh boy! Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh … what?

Shikamaru was shocked to see that "breakfast" consisted entirely of cookies. But worst of all the cookies were shaped like him.

"Uh Temari…"

"Oh I see you like them! Well come on dig in!"

Shikamaru was hesitant to eat himself. Temari, however, was eager to start. She grabbed the top cookie and bit off its head. At that Shikamaru flinched. But the worst was yet to come. Temari then took a knife and cut the next cookie in half vertically then horizontally. By now Shikamaru was completely mortified, but Temari was enjoying herself. With the next cookie she took a bite right out of the crotch! The one after that was decapitated, disemboweled, drilled, chipped, racked, and finally put out of its misery.

By now Shikamaru had completely forgotten he was hungry. The poor boy was actually close to fainting.

'Damn that bitch!' thought Shikamaru 'And all because I wouldn't let her ravish me!'

At last Temari had eaten the final cookie.

"Ah that was delicious." said Temari, "What's wrong Shikamaru? You didn't eat one bite?"

"I lost my appetite."

"Well that's too bad." said Temari, with fake concern.

'Oh that bitch.' thought Shikamaru 'Fine! I'll play her little game. If she's ,so desperate to make me miserable I might as well have some fun.'

Shikamaru quickly left the kitchen and decided to plot his revenge.

"Shikamaru!" yelled Temari.

"Right here troublesome woman!" he grumbled, before putting his plan into action.

"Hey Temari I was thinking, since you helped me so much I wanted to invite you to a luxurious hot spring."

"Wow, that's awfully nice of you."

"Ah don't mention it. It's the least I could do after you worked so hard."

"In that case let's go!"

Shikamaru led her to the hot springs. Temari had beamed the whole way there. He had told her it was a luxurious hot spring. But he head left out one important detail…

"Wow, what a beautiful place!"

"Well hurry up Temari, we haven't got all day"

Temari eagerly ran to the changing room. She quickly put on a bath robe and practically ran for the spring. She was relieved as the warm water hit her body. Temari wadded to the deeper end of the spring, and submerged herself in the water. At last she could rest! However, no sooner had she begun to relax then a familiar voice brought her out of it.

"Enjoying yourself?" asked Shikamaru. Temari instantly jumped up at the sound of his voice.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well this is a mixed bath."

"You bastard, why didn't you tell me?"

"You never asked. Besides, I thought you wanted me all to yourself."

At this Temari shuddered. Shikamaru, meanwhile, moved closer to her. He began playing with her hair.

"Temari-chan's hair is so soft."

"Shika…"

Shikamaru now put his arm around her and pulled her closer to him.

"Why are you wearing a robe Temari?"

"Because I…"

"It's not like we're strangers."

"But…"

Shikamaru put his hand on her back and gave her robe a tug.

"Shika!"

"It's okay Temari I don't mind."

Shikamaru now leaned in close to her face and whispered in a barely audible voice.

"But they might…"

"What?"

Temari's speech was interrupted as Kiba, Naruto, Neji, Chouji, Lee, Sasuke, and even Shino walked into the spring.

"Hey Shikamaru!" said Chouji.

"Long time no see." said Kiba.

"Wow Temari!" said Naruto, with a sly grin, "This is a pleasant surprise!"

"So Shikamaru what exactly were you two doing before we arrived…"

At this point Temari was fuming with anger. She was glaring intensely at the previously mentioned lazy genius, who in turn feigned innocence. Suddenly another person joined the crowd.

"Yo." said Kakashi, as he poofed into the spring. "Sorry I'm late but a stampede of buffalo caused me to…'

"Liar!" yelled Naruto.

"Oh I see we have a girl!" continued Kakashi, as if nothing had happened. "Perhaps she will scrub my back and polish my-"

"That's it! Everybody out!" yelled Temari as she jumped out of the water.

"But the spirit of youth is present among..." but Lee was cut short by Temari's deadly glare.

"I said e-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y out!"

"Okay, okay!" said the crowd as they all ran for the exit.

"Except you, Shikamaru!"

"What did I do?" asked the lazy genius with genuine fear in his eyes.

Temari advanced on him slowly with an evil grin on her face.

"Uh Temari, you don't look alright."

"Oh trust me Shikamaru, I wouldn't be worried about me."

"Temari? What are you doing with that fan? Oh shit! Oh shit!"

**To be continued…**

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**A/N: Hope you liked it! REVEW!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Getting hot in this chapter, dattebayo! *gets hit by a hammer***

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**…continued **

"Oh shit Temari! Put the fan down!" said Shikamaru, but inside he knew he was dead.

'Troublesome! Oh why? I should never have gotten out of bed today. Fuck my life!' thought the lazy genius as Temari advanced. 'What should I do? I'm gonna be whipped just like my dad! Hey, wait a minute…'

An idea popped into his head like Kakashi when he's late.

_Flashback_

"Shikaku! You're dead!"

"Now relax honey. Remember your fragile frame!" said Shikamaru's dad.

"Oh trust me Shikaku, you're gonna be the fragile one!" said Yoshino, as she lifted a chair above her head.

'Oh man pops you're a goner now!' thought Shikamaru, with a smirk.

"Alas I am guilty!"

'What?'

"Forgive me oh darling wife! My one true love! It is in my blood to be a lazy ass good-for-nothing! But if you must punish me, with your ever lovely hands, do it now while I still have heart!"

'Unbelievable! she's not gonna fall for that?'

"Oh Shikaku!" said Yoshino as she dropped the chair and embraced her husband. "Oh baby! I love you sooo much!"

The two fell to kissing and Shikaku soon lifted her in his arms. Shikamaru stared dumbfounded as they ascended the stairs. Shikaku gave Shikamaru a quick wink, before disappearing into the bedroom.

_Flashback Ends_

'Unbelievable!' thought Shikamaru back in the present, 'To think that women fall for such crap! How stupid!'

Shikamaru was abruptly brought out of his thoughts as he dodged Temari and her fan.

'Oh well. It's a drag, but it's the only option.'

As Temari swung her fan vertically, Shikamaru dodged the blow and came up behind her and grabbed her arms.

"What the? Let go of me Shikamaru!"

"Why would I want to do that?" he said seductivley "When this feels so much better."

"I swear Shikamaru I'm gonna kill-"

"Kill me by all means. After you give me one last kiss…" And with that said Shikamaru began to lean towards her.

"Wha…? Shikamaru if you touch me…"

"So many threats Temari, as if I care. Haven't you realized that I love you?"

Temari turned bright red at the sound of those words and momentarily let her guard down. Shikamaru was quick to press his advantage and quickly snatched her lips with his own. Temari resisted him at first, fiercely beating Shikamaru over the head and kicking him in the knees, but soon she lost control of herself, swooning away in his arms. Shikamaru then deepened the kiss as one arm moved down her back and the other went in her hair. As the kiss got more and more passionate Shikamaru began to lose control of himself.

'What am I doing? This wasn't supposed to get this far.' Shikamaru's arm involuntarily reached for Temari's chest.

'No! Down boy, down! Oh great I've lost control! I must be going nuts! That's it! This assignment was trouble from the start. A man inexperienced in love is no match for such a traumatic experience. Oh who am I kidding, I need this!'

Shikamaru's hands moved lower as he cupped Temari's face and at the same time grabbed her butt. At this action Temari flinched, but at this point she had no desire to stop. Shikamaru lowered her gingerly to the ground and before he knew it they were shedding clothes. In less than ten seconds they were left in nothing but their underwear.

Temari was literally giving herself to him, but Shikamaru knew it was time to stop. They were acting on lust not love. For him, romance was new and he didn't want to get ahead of himself. With regret Shikamaru pulled away.

"Shikamaru what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry Temari but it's too early for this. For all we know this could just be a one time deal."

"But I'm willing to go further! Shikamaru I know what I feel."

"No you don't. You're acting on impulse and I don't want you to do something you'll regret."

"I don't care about that…"

"But I do. Love isn't something that just happens! It takes time and understanding."

"Shika…"

"Let's just think things over Temari."

"But…"

"I'll meet you back home."

Shikamaru got dressed and quickly left.

'I'm such an idiot! Why did I let it get this far! Oh man what a drag! Poor Temari, she probably thinks it was her fault. But what I said was true, we were rushing.'

Shikamaru finally reached his house and after taking his shoes off went straight to bed. He didn't lay there long before Temari walked into the room. Shikamaru pretended to be asleep in order to see what she was up to, he was shocked when Temari lifted the covers and lay down next to him.

'Oh man what a drag! Is Temari nuts? This is so wrong, so wrong!' he shuddered involuntarily, 'I have to resist my urges. If I let my myself go I might end up raping her!'

"Shikamaru you can stop pretending." said Temari, "I know you're not asleep."

"What! I mean how?"

"You usually snore like an elephant when you sleep."

'Even when I'm hot for her she's still a bitch…'

Following an awkward pause Shikamaru decided to speak up.

"Uh Temari. Why are you in my bed? Not that I mind, mind you. But would you mind terribly minding where…your leg is on my crotch Temari."

"…"

"Temari?"

Shikamaru's question was soon answered. Temari climbed on top of him and straddled his hips.

"Temari…"

"Let's stop pretending Shikamaru. You know how I feel about you, why do you hesitate?" Without waiting for an answer Temari bent down, gently kissing him on the lips.

Once again poor Shikamaru was drawn into a fight with conflicting desires. Temari was a very attractive woman and Shikamaru being a…well being inexperienced was eager to um…uh…well...proceed.

'Oh damn, bitch, fuck! Mother of god! Asuma's trench knives! Why?'

Shikamaru was once again loosing control as he flipped Temari over and got on top of her. As much as he wanted to lie to himself, Shikamaru knew it was pointless. He really loved Temari and he knew what they were doing was natural.

'But I'm not an animal! I don't just sleep with a woman and the next day tell her to get lost! It could never work out between us, I'm just not ready for this…'

Shikamaru was pulled out of his thoughts when he felt something warm press against his chest. He felt Temari slide off his shirt and pants while he did the same for her.

'Oh dear god what am I doing! This has to stop! I'm being irrational here this can't… it mustn't…'

He felt the last garbs being removed and he was pulled down on top of her.

'Temari…'

**To be continued…**


	6. Chapter 6

_**I bet you're wondering how I'll follow up the action from the previous chapter…Well you're about to find out.**_

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**...Continued  
**

'Oh dear god what am I doing! This has to stop! I'm being irrational here this can't… it mustn't…'

He felt the last garbs being removed and he was pulled down on top of her.

'Temari…'

"Genjutsu release!"

"Huh?"

Shikamaru was amazed as Temari disappeared from beneath him. The bed also dissolved and he found himself on the ground outside the hot springs. Shikamaru had known something was up. He had felt it deep in his gut–that it wasn't Temari.

"Shikamaru! I'm glad I got here in time. Are you okay?" asked Temari.

"Yeah fine." said Shikamaru not a little shaken, "What was that?"

"I'm not sure. We've been so distracted lately…" she fought off a blush, "That we forgot about our mission. I think that was one of the assassins trying to score an early hit."

"Uh, to think I fell for a genjutsu!"

"It's alright Shikamaru. We both weren't focused and it's easy to be tricked when you're so wrapped up in…"

"Love?"

"Yeah."

Suddenly Shikamaru felt very foolish. How could he, a chuunin, let his feelings get in the way of a mission? He cared for Temari but he had to stay focused…focused. Shikamaru looked up and noticed that Temari's clothes were wet, and being that they were white he was treated to a most interesting sight.

'Huh...umm…oh damn.'

"Uh Temari." said Shikamaru while covering his nose to stop the bleeding, "Why are you wet?"

"Well, when I saw the assassin I rushed in to save you. I didn't get a chance to dry…off…." Temari noticed his wandering glance and realized how "revealing" her outfit had become.

Shikamaru sneered, "Temari quick question. Have you ever heard of a bra?"

Shikamaru quickly regretted those words as he found himself flying through the air. He collided into a well known pervy-sage who was perched on a building doing "research". Regrettably his one way ticket to pain did not end there. The poor fools kept flying through the air and slammed into Kakashi who was mastur….I mean reading his book. The three of them hurtled towards the ground, and right toward the loud mouth hokage-to-be.

"But Sakura-chan why won't you go on a date with me?"

"Because you're a pervert!"

"I'm no ordinary pervert." He leered "I'm a super pervert! Believe it!"

Naruto was instantly crushed by the human cannonball and joined the other unfortunate perverts in a roll down a very big hill. The foursome ran over none other than Ebisu–the other pervert–and continued their painful tour of Konoha.

Meanwhile Sasuke, completely oblivious of the impending disaster about to befall him, walked slowly down Konoha's main street.

"That Naruto is such a loser." he muttered to no one in particular.

Sasuke was silenced by the sight of his impending doom, "Ah fuck it!"

He was hit with extreme force and joined the fivesome of unfortunate perverts in their long roll. The six of them resumed their journey to pain and tumbled towards the Hokage's office.

"Tsunade-sama!" Shizune yelled.

"What is it Shizune? It better not be a ball of six perverts rolling down a hill about to crash into the office or so help me I'll…."

"Ah Tsunade…" Sizune pointed behind her.

"I knew it…"

Tsunade quickly lept from the window and with one finger stopped the pervert ball.

"Thank you Tsunade-sama!" Shikamaru extolled.

"Yeah way to go old Hag!" Naruto said, in his usual annoying voice.

'Okay Tsunade just relax….don't kill him, don't kill him.'

"Yeah woo hoo! I'm surprised you could move so fast with all that dead weight!" Jiraiya pointed at her rack.

'Okay that does it…'

"Uh-oh! Wait! Tsunade lets be rational here! Wait please!" Jiraiaya's eyes widened.

Tsunade lifted her foot and prepared to kick.

"Not again!" screamed the six unfortunate perverts.

"Kiyah!"

And with one devastating kick Tsunade sent them back into space. The ball hurtled through the air and ironically threw them all back to where they originally came from. Eventually Shikamaru was the only one left. He flew through the air and crashed head first into the hot springs.

"Shikamaru! Are you alright?" Temari asked.

"I'd buy that for a dollar! Hehehe!"

"Uh, Shikamaru are you okay?"

"I'm sorry stewardess can I have some more peanuts?"

"Uh-oh…"

'Oh god my head!' Shikamaru came to his senses. 'Temari, you bitch. This means war!'

"Oh Temari….hehehehehe…..you look ravishing!"

"Uh Shikamaru, are you sure you're alright."

"Hmphehehehehemm…positive."

"Shikamaru stop staring at me like that…" Temari began to blush heavily.

"What is wrong my desert flower? Don't wane under my gaze."

"Shika…!" Temari was silenced by Shikamaru's finger on her lips.

"No need for words Temari-chan. The expression on your face says it all."

"Mmmph fwmmum! Shika-mmph!"

"Hmhmhm! Oh Temari-chan's so cute when she's angry."

"Shika! Uh Shika? What's with that grin on your face? Eeeek!" Temari gasped as he grabbed her from behind and buried his face deep into her neck.

"Ah! Temari-chan smells so sweet! Like the sweetest flower!"

"Shika!"

"Oh don't get so excited, my love! It's way too early for that!"

"Shika-hmmm!"

Shikamaru stopped her desperate screams with a deep kiss. Temari was absorbed by the passion of the kiss and lolled in his arms.

'Time for revenge!'

Her peace was not to last long. She was brought back to reality when Shikamaru began groping her.

"Shika! What're you doing?"

"Now now my desert flower! The pleasure has only just begun!"

"Shika! Please not here!"

"But where else can we go? This seems like the perfect spot!"

"Shika!"

"Shhh, don't spoil the moment..."

"Oh Shika…" she blushed heavily, many thoughts and fantasies flying through her mind.

"Hahahahahahahahahaha!" his laughter brought her back to reality. "Score! Shikamaru one, Temari zero! Hahahahahaha!"

"What?"

"Hehehe! I played you the whole time! Hahahaha….uh-oh!" Shikamaru's revelry ended abruptly at the sight of Temari's fan.

"Temari? Desert flower?" he backed away. "Oh god. Oh god, not again!"

Shikamaru was sent hurtling through the air once more.

"Something tells me I'm going to be in a lot of pain in a few seconds." thought Jiraiya.

"Look out below!" Shikamaru screamed.

"Oh shiiiiit!"

**To be continued….**

* * *

**A/N: Thank you all for your patience and your reviews. Hope you all liked this chapter. Please review.**


	7. Chapter 7

The sun was high up in the sky and the clouds were floating peacefully. A certain unfortunate lazy ass lay on his back observing them patiently. Ever since the fiasco at the hot springs Shikamaru had tried to steer clear of Temari. He had had enough ass kicking to last him a lifetime. Plus, with the deadline for the wedding drawing ever so near he could not help but be worried.

'Why _am_ I so worried?' thought Shikamaru as he gazed at the clouds. Could it be that he was worried for Temari's sake?

'But she's strong she can handle herself!' But, despite this logic his mind was still filled with worry. He hadn't realized how precious she had become to him, how much his love had grown. What had started as a mere tease had become full blown passion! Every waking moment had become filled with teal green eyes and sandy hair. Flowing kimonos, see through clothing, massive metal death fans screaming for blood...But I digress.

'Oh why is it always me? Damn my innocence and my overly dramatic acting!' Shikamaru suddenly didn't feel like watching the clouds. He decided he'd take a walk about town.

'Wow what a nice day it is.' He smiled 'I hope I don't run into Naruto or Sasuke. Those morons would spoil it!'

"Shikamaru! Wow you're up early. Believe it!"

'Motherfucker...'

"So Shikamaru whatcha doin'?" whined the pestering buffoon.

"Naruto, aren't you late for being an idiot somewhere?"

"Oh my gosh you're right! I have to do stupid things to try to impress Sakura and….hey wait a minute!"

They both laughed. "Wow Naruto you're still the same moron!"

"Hahaha…very funny lazy bum!" he leered, "So what's this I hear about you and Temari getting married?"

At that Shikamaru's face turned red. Naruto grinned like a fox.

"How the hell do you know about that?"

"Well baa-chan told me! So I guess it is true! Mwahaha! And here the rookie nine were placing bets on whether or not you were gay!"

"Keep it down Naruto somebody could-

"Shikamaru's getting married?" yelled Ino.

'Oh fuck! Not the biggest gossip girl in Konoha!'

"Who's gay?" asked Kiba.

"That's not fair Shika! How come you didn't tell me? I want to organize a bachelorette party for Temari an…"

"Huh?" she looked around "Where'd he go?"

Shikamaru had been lucky to escape! He didn't want to go into the details of how this marriage was fake! Or talk about his preferences with Kiba…he was fresh out of dog treats.

'Finally some peace and quiet!' thought the lazy genius, settling comfortably on the grass.

But no matter how hard he tried Shikamaru just couldn't go to sleep. No matter how much he tried to deny it, he wanted to spend time with Temari. He had grown more and more attached to her. In fact it was becoming an obsession.

'Am I perverted for wanting a woman in my life?' he wondered, all sorts of images popping into his mind. 'While they are troublesome yah can't live without em.'

Maybe what Ino said was right. Maybe they should celebrate their fake wedding. Shikamaru wasn't one for parties, but a nice dinner at a restaurant wasn't too troubelsome. In fact, their was a new restaurant that had just opened up. Shikamaru had always wanted to try it out and what better time than the present?

'Okay it's settled then. I'm gonna show Temari the time of her life! After all we may not survive the wedding!' he sighed.

'And maybe afterwards we can play tonsil hockey and…' He shook the thoughts out of hid head. 'Damn that woman!'

Shikamaru quickly teleported to his house.

"Temari! Are you here?" asked Shikamaru looking everywhere, "Huh that's strange, she's usually in this time of day."

Shikamaru looked in every room. He eventually found her sleeping on the couch in a rather compromising position. Her Kimono was undone at the top and bottom. The sash around her waist was untied and worst of all she was tilted so that she was facing Shikamaru. As you can imagine, Temari wasn't wearing much under her Kimono (yes I know, how perverted) and that greeted Shikamaru with a very interesting sight.

'Oh jeez, I think I just heard my pants rip!'

" Huh who's there?" asked Temari with a yawn as she opened her eyes.

But at that very moment Shikamaru's pants indeed ripped and fell down. In the haste to pull them back up Shikamaru ended up pulling his underwear down as well.

_In order to save you the trouble and not to waste time, I think I'll just skip the chaos that ensued this awkward moment. Let's just say that Temari got more than she wanted to see, Shikamaru got a healthy dosage of pain, and the narrator happily pictured the fight in his head._

**After the fight…**

"So umm Temari." Shikamaru fidgeted.

"Yes Shika?" Temari avoided looking at him.

"I was wondering. Would you like to go to a restaurant?"

"What's the occasion?"

"You." Shikamaru blurted out.

"Me? Shika that's…"Temari blushed, "I mean sure let's go."

"Really? That's great!"

Shikamaru was elated, in spite of the incident earlier…Finally he had a date with the only woman he ever cared for! (Aside from his mother who, coincidentally, also made his life a living hell.)Together the couple made their way to the restaurant and they were soon seated.

"Good evening. Would you like to see the menu?" asked a waiter.

"Sure." said Shikamaru.

"Our special today is Lamb Ribs with rosemary and a side of tuscan potatoes and bell peppers."

"Sounds great! I'll have that." said Temari.

"Make that two" Shikamaru beamed.

"Okay. What would you like to drink?"

"Jim Beam with ice." said Shikamaru.

"Okay. And you miss?"

"Captain Morgan's spiced rum, straight up, please.'

"Okay, coming right up." said the waiter and he left them alone.

"Wow!" said Shikamaru, "It's nice to see a woman who can hold her liquor. Usually gals order wine or a martini."

"Hehehe. I don't know what women you've been around Shikamaru, but I'm not like the rest."

Shikamaru barely stopped himself from saying 'Your chest speaks for itself'. Biting his lip until he could think clearly, he said,

"That's why I love you. More than I've ever loved anyone before."

"Shika…"

Shikamaru leaned in for a kiss but was interrupted by…

"See Chouji, I told you it was true!" screamed an excited blond.

'Damn it's Ino!'

"See Chouji it's true, they are getting married!"

"Ino shut up!" yelled Shikamaru, "You don't know anything!"

"He has a point Ino. You should back off." said Chouji.

"Like hell I will! I'm the rumor queen of Konoha, I have to make stupid and retarded remarks about every relationship! Including my non-existant one with Sasuke! Jeez, don't you know anything?"

"Speaking of relationships, why are you and Chouji here?" asked Temari with an evil grin.

"Well that's because…umm…"

"Hahaha! Real smooth Ino. Talking about other peoples relationships on a date!" said Shikamaru.

"Common Chouji!" yelled Ino, "Let's go!"

"See yah Shikamaru." said Chouji as he was pulled away.

"Fwooh! Glad that's over. Thanks for the help Temari. I hope that didn't spoil the evening?"

"It's okay Shikamaru. As long as you're here this evening couldn't be any better." said Temari. She than gave him a quick kiss on the lips. Shikamaru was about to lean in for a second but the waiter arrived carrying their orders. The rest of the dinner went smoothly (in other words, no more "Inoterruptions")

"Thanks Shikamaru I had a really great time." Temari smiled lovingly after the dinner.

"Your welcome Temari, lets go home."

On the way home Shikamaru began to obsess about Temari. He wanted to hold her in his arms and well…do stuff. Perhaps it was the alcohol he consumed or maybe it was the way she was dressed. Perhaps the narrator wanted some action. Whatever it was, it was turning him on! By the time they reached his apartment he was passed desperate.

**Getting hot, do not read if under 18 or over Sixty**

"Thanks again Shikamaru it was uumph…" Temari's words were stopped by his lips. He pulled her closer to him and deepened the kiss. Shikamaru was hungry for her and he could not be satiated. His hands roamed freely over her body. She yelped when he touched her thigh but he kept on going. He steered her towards the bedroom and lifted her up into his arms. He practically threw her on the bed and ripped his shirt off. Temari seemed to get the message and undid her Kimono.

"Boy, I hope this isn't a genjutsu!" said Shikamaru as he viewed her naked body. The skin flawless and the form voluptuous.

Shikamaru took off his pants followed by his underwear.

"I hope that isn't a genjutsu either!" said Temari as she directed her gaze southward.

Shikamaru leaned over her and they began to make out again. His hands began to fondle her breasts and he heard Temari moan in his mouth.

"Umm Shika!" gasped Temari, when she felt something poke against her thigh,

"Sorry Temari. I forgot to take the kunai out from under my mattress." said Shikamaru as he quickly disposed of the annoying knife. The kunai flew out the window, and straight at a certain someone.

"Ramen is the best! Believe it!" Naruto was instantly impaled by the knife in his arm.

"Ah fuck! Why me?"

Shikamaru then proceeded to kiss her stomach and abdomen, before finally reaching her womanhood.

"Don't tell me you're scared, crybaby."

"I'm feeling a lot of things but scared's not one of em."

"Then common lazy ass we don't have all day!"

"If you insist…."

'Man what a demanding woman!' thought Shikamaru, 'Tonight's gonna be fun!'

Shikamaru positioned himself between her legs and looked at her for permission.

**To be continued…**


	8. Chapter 8

**Last chapter, so enjoy! If you liked this fanfic, be sure to check out my other story "To Tango", I shall resume updating it soon. Oh and, this beginning is for mature audiences.  
**

* * *

'Man what a demanding woman!' thought Shikamaru, 'Tonight's gonna be fun!'

Shikamaru positioned himself between her legs and looked at her for permission. She merely nodded her head. Shikamaru didn't hesitate as he entered her, she bit her lip as he broke the barrier and slowly went all the way in. He began thrust in and out, slowly increasing the pace. All the while, Temari moaned and cried out his name. Her hands trailed his muscular abs, her warm breath on his chest, her smooth thighs wrapped around him.

Shikamaru felt himself drawing closer, he felt her arms snake around his abdomen. Sensing that she was reaching the brink of oblivion as well he began thrusting deeper and deeper, all the while feeling his own passion building up. At last he could hold back no longer.

"Temari!"

"Shika!"

He fell by her side, weak with ecstasy. Temari embraced him warmly with a smile. She planted a kiss on his forehead. The night was still young…

**The next day**

The clouds were nice on this fair morning. Oh and by the way Shikamaru and Temari are late for their own wedding. Hehehe, the fools!

"Ahhh! Man was that a night." said Temari as she sat up in bed. She looked at the clock.

"12:00 PM! Oh fuck! Shikamaru!" Temari proceeded to slap him awake.

"Yawn! Is this the thanks I get for last night?" asked Shikamaru. Temari, however continued slapping him.

"Um, Temari?"

She continued to slap him.

"Temari? Temari? God Damn it woman, stop slapping me!" yelled Shikamaru as he grabbed her hands.

"Damn it, Shika, we're going to be late!"

"Late? For what?" he asked with a yawn.

"The wedding!"

"The wedding? Who's getting married?"

"We are, you retard!" screamed Temari as she jumped out of bed. "Get your damn clothes on and hurry the fuck up! But remember this wedding's filled with assassins!"

"Yeah yeah!" said Shikamaru as he massaged his aching groin. 'Troublesome bitch. Sex with her is hassle. Barely got any sleep at all! I need some ice. And a new dick while I'm at it!'

"Stop mumbling and get a move on!"

**At the Wedding**

"Where's Shikamaru and Temari, god damn it?" yelled Tsunade.

"Calm down Hokage-sama they'll arrive." said Shizune, "And stop drinking!"

"Yeah yeah yeah! What's the point of going to a wedding if you can't even drink?" Tsunade downed another bottle.

"There they are!" squealed Ino.

The wedding music started playing as Shikamaru and his best man Chouji walked up the aisle. They were followed by Temari and her maids of honor Tenten, Hinata, and Sakura. When they all reached the altar the priest began the vows.

"Do you, Shikamaru Nara, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded bride, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health? For better or for worse? For richer or for poorer? Till death do you part?"

"I do." He looked at her with genuine love in his eyes.

"And do you, Temari of the Sand, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health? For better or for worse? For richer or for poorer? Till death do you part?

"I do." She returned his gaze with equal warmth.

"Then by the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you–**dead, bitches**!" screamed the priest as he pulled out a kunai from his bible. Temari quickly grabbed his arm and drove the kunai through his chest. All of this she did so quickly that nobody noticed anything was amiss.

"Ahh! You little bitch! I'll kill you!" He raved, but Temari grinded the knife further into his chest.

"Finish the fucking sermon!" she yelled.

"I now pronounce you man and wife! You may kiss my ass!" Temari kicked him in the groin. "Oww! I mean bride! Kiss your man-lady of a bride!"

Shikamaru and Temari kissed while the priest toppled down from the altar. The blissfully ignorant or just plain blind audience were focused solely on the couple. Meanwhile what else could be going on? Well, Kiba was scratching his head for fleas. Hinata was being shy, as usual. Shino was counting his bugs. Jiraiya was doing "research". Ino was secretly measuring her thighs under her bride's maid gown. Kakashi…well you know. And of course, Naruto and Sasuke were arguing yet again.

"Teme Naruto! You loser!" screamed Sasuke.

"Fuck you Sasuke! Believe it!" replied Naruto.

The two were instantly silenced by the priest who crashed on top of them. As the two unfortunate fools tried to get up, the altar stand fell over and finished the job.

"Why me?" screamed Naruto and Sasuke in unison.

"Okay everybody into the dinning hall!" Shizune announced with a smile.

"Congratulations Shikamaru!" said Chouji.

"Yahoo!" yelled Kiba.

"Umm c-congratulations on y-your w-wedding." said Hinata.

"Okay enough with this sappy talk let's get to the booze!" cheered Tsunade.

The entire party ran to the hall where the cake stood waiting. Waiters poured champagne and served refreshments. Everyone was having a wonderful time. Except for the newlyweds. Who else?

"Psst Shikamaru!" whispered Temari.

"What?"

"Notice anything strange?"

"Strange? Oh-oh your bra strap is broken! Want me to fix th-"

"No, not that you moron! Look around."

"Hm…I don't see anything."

"I don't remember their being so many waiters!" she hissed.

"You don't think they're…"

"Assassins." finished Temari.

"Damn, and just when I was starting to enjoy myself." He dropped the mutton leg in his hand. "So what's the plan?"

"Eliminate them one at a time!"

"Gotcha." said Shikamaru. "Oh waiter! Pour me some champagne."

"Yes sir." said the waiter as he walked over to him.

"Kage mane no jutsu!" Shikamaru's shadow ensnared the assassin.

"Oh, I hope you don't mind if I serve myself." said Shikamaru as he mimicked the action of pouring the champagne.

"Fuck you!" screamed the waiter.

"Here's you tip" said Shikamaru as his shadow broke the waiter's neck. "Thank you for the champagne."

Meanwhile, Temari was making rapid progress with eliminating the assassins.

"Waiter some shrimp please." The moment he walked over to her she kicked him in the balls.

"Oh why yes I'd love to dance with you." said Temari, as she dragged the waiter into a corner. Coming back she said to another waiter.

"Your shoe's untied."

"Really? I–" She axe kicked him into unconsciousness.

"Whew, that makes ten assassins." She smiled.

"Hey where'd all the waiters go?" asked Kiba, his face covered in grease and sauce.

"They took a break." said Temari as she walked over to the dinning table.

"Hey Temari." said Shikamaru. "What's the progress?"

"Ten."

"Wow! Three for me." said Shikamaru.

"Dinner is served!" said a waiter as he directed the remaining waiters to surround the table.

"Oh fuck me!" said Temari.

"Not right here!" said Shikamaru.

"No, you retard!" said Temari, punching him in the shoulder. "We're surrounded by assassins!"

"Damn, I could kill them all but we'll need a distraction."

"I gotcha covered!" said Tsunade out of nowhere.

"Hey everybody look, there's a naked waitress near the cake!" announced Tsunade.

"Where? Where?" said the entire group.

"Ooh finally some entertainment!" squealed Jiraiya.

"I hope she likes mysterious men." voiced Kakashi.

"I like boobies!" someone screamed.

Suddenly a huge explosion and a thousand bright flashes of light alerted them all.

"What was that?" asked Naruto.

"Nothing." replied Shikamaru as he attempted to wipe the blood from his face.

"Hm. Hey why are all the waiters lying on the ground like that?" asked Tenten.

"Uhh…" Shikamaru scratched his head.

"They're…uh…doing the traditional dance of joy!" Temari beamed, secretly smacking herself.

"Oh cool!" said Ino, always the typical blonde.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" The remaining waiter brought forth the cake. His eyes smiled cruelly. "It is now time for the traditional cutting of the cake. But oh, look at the time. My shift is over."

Temari and Shikamaru saw the small timer hidden in the centerpiece begin the countdown to zero.

"Bon appetite douchebags!" muttered the waiter and disappeared.

"Well, this wedding's been fun but we gotta run!" said Temari as she and Shikamaru ran for the exit. The timer now had two minutes.

"Wow the bride sure is anxious to get to the wedding bed!" said Jiraiya with a perverted smile.

"Oh shut up!" screamed Tsunade as she sent the pervy sage flying through the air. He hit Kakashi and Ebisu along the way and rolled out of the procession. Along the way they further flattened Naruto and Sasuke. The human boulder proceeded to bounce along Konoha.

The remaining guests left well before the bomb was set to explode. What with the bride gone, and the bouquet with her, the women had no real reason to stay. Seeing as how Tsunade drank all the booze, the naked waitress turned out to be a naked waiter, and the customary game of strip poker that followed such proceedings had been canceled, the men had no reason to stay either. Caught in the explosion, however, was yours truly. And that's the last time he goes to a ninja wedding.

"Finally we're home!" said Shikamaru as he embraced Temari. "What do you say we consummate this marriage?

"Oh Shika." Temari whispered as he began to kiss her neck.

"Look out below!" screamed Jiraiya as the perverts crashed through the roof.

"Oh fuck it!" said Shikamaru right before he was crushed.

**Later at Tsunade's Office**

"I'd like to congratulate you both on a successful mission!" said Tsunade. "Doubtlessly, you don't want to go through that again."

"I don't know about that." said Temari as she looked at Shikamaru.

"Yeah, I think we could do it one more time." said Shikamaru. "Minus the assassins of course."

"Later!" said Temari as the two walked away. Their hands entwined.

"I take it you're satisfied?" asked Tsunade.

"Greatly." replied Gaara as he stepped out of the shadows.

"Tell me, did you really know they would fall in love?"

"Of course." said Gaara with a hint of a smile. "Good day Hokage-sama."

"And a good day to you, Kazekage-sama." said Tsunade.

"Woo! Shizune bring me some sake! It's time to party all over again!"

**Back to Shikamaru and Temari**

"Did you really mean what you said back there?" asked Temari.

"No way, marriage is way too troublesome!"

"You're an asshole you know that?"

"Mmhmm. Tell me you don't love it." said Shikamaru as he pulled her towards him. As he leaned in for a kiss he mused to himself.

'Maybe love isn't so troublesome after all.'

**The End**


End file.
